Friday, May 4, 2012

To the Cavern and Back Again


A lot of people have asked me why I wanted to pack all our stuff into a storage unit in Gap, Pennsylvania, corral our 4 small children onto an old tour bus named Willie, and travel the country for 4 months with no home or job (for my husband) to come home to. 

And here’s my stock answer: “Because I’ve always wanted to travel the country.  I just thought it would be interesting and good for the kids’ education.” 

But, really, that’s like Miss Nevada saying, “I would wish for world peace” with a cellophane smile held up by double D’s in a modest but flattering swimsuit. Sure, she does want peace and I do think all this gallivanting is interesting, but it’s such a one-dimensional answer.

The God-honest truth is:  I wanted to take this trip because I flat out NEEDED it.  (And not like you need a vacation to deepen your tan lines and take a break from doing dishes for a while.)

Last fall, upon the thoughtful recommendation of a dear friend, I began seeing a counselor.  During the preceding year I had slowly precipitated into a shadowy cavern, stumbled deep into its damp, musty depths and found a cruel home for my mind there.  I went about my physical life in the daylight, feeding my children, teaching their lessons, filling up the grocery cart and smiling politely at the check out clerk.  

But as I sat in the parking lot, shifting my car into drive, I felt hopeless. “I can’t do this for the next sixty years,” I whispered to myself under my childrens’ laughter drifting from the back seats.

So I waited, checking off my “to do” list each day, cozying the kids on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a DVD, then closing my bedroom door and bending over my bed, stifling my sobs with an old down pillow. 

And I waited.

Then one fall day, my friend posed the right question.  “How are you doing?” she asked, not in a flippant, conversation-filling kind of way.  No, she asked with her eyes looking directly into mine and her hand holding my elbow.  And her question unraveled me. 

A month later, after ample dragging of feet and persistent self-declarations that “I can figure this out on my own”, I finally acknowledged my limits and heeded my friends advice.

For my first appointment, I took the back entrance into the office so no one I knew would see me.  I hugged the walls like the lead gun in a covert operation.  Then I entered the office with a costumed air of cheerfulness; I wanted to give the impression that I was “here for the good of someone else, just getting some solid professional wisdom to pass along to a struggling friend”.

I waited nervously in my upholstered chair, nonchalantly flipping through magazines I didn’t care about, sneaking eager glances toward the hallway lined with counselors’ offices. And then she appeared beside me as I hunched over a recipe for apple doughnuts.  I shook her hand, smiled, and strangely felt like a 12 year old meeting her homeroom teacher for the first time; I followed her sheepishly down the hall.

But what transpired in the office down that hallway changed my life.

I began finding hope.
I began seeing goodness.
I began hearing truth.
I began extending forgiveness.
I began feeling love.

But it was just a beginning, the first wobbly steps up the long slippery staircase from my cavern.   I felt confident of what I could leave behind in the shadowy place, the past I could set like a statue upon the rocky altars below.  But now I needed a journey, a physical odyssey, in order to shed layers, build strength in my legs, and move upwards. I needed this trip to lose myself one night…and find myself the next morning. I needed this trip to sacrifice…and slowly, painfully be born again.

I needed this trip to wrestle, bloodied and grunting in the darkness…to at last receive the blessing of light.

26 comments:

  1. Maile, Thanks so much for sharing so well your journeys both the visible and invisible journeys.

    You are wise. You are brave. I have a hunch your journey is going to help more people than just yourself.

    And you are loved when you're going full force on these journeys and when you are barely getting by... the Lover of your soul, mind, body, and spirit is just so faithful that way.

    I hope you find renewed joy in your journeys!

    Jane

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    1. Jane, your gracious and thoughtful words immediately brought tears to my eyes. Certainly it is the invisible journey that seems a bit harder to share, but I felt I needed to. Thank you for confirming that decision. And thank you for your encouragement. I will take that into my heart and nibble on it for many days to come; those words give nourishment to the soul. Thank you, thank you for your kindness, Jane; I am indebted to you.

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  2. Maile, you're an inspiration in so many ways.

    In my life you're the friend that got away! ...that sounds a bit stalkerish. I'd make a bad stalker, so you're safe!

    But thanks for sharing. Please don't stop. And well written too! :) (check out my not so well written blog if you like http://robynpretorius.blogspot.co.uk/ ...then I'll feel less like a stalker!)

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    1. Robyn, I would welcome you stalking me; that's the exact kind of stalker I like: smart, gutsy, and kind. I took a little time to read your blog today and I am so intrigued by this dream of yours. I would love to hear more about it, and what the process has been like for you. You, my friend, are an inspiration for daring to dream big things. Many blessings to you on your own adventure (and I'll stay tuned to your blog to see the next steps!)

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  3. You are one brave woman for sharing this.

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    1. Katie, thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot. Hope the weather down in Florida is treating you as well as we're being treated by the beautiful temps here in California:)

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  4. Wow, you are an incredible writer. This is beautiful, and mostly because you are choosing life.

    Please let's get together when you get home.

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    1. Sarah, I appreciate your kind and encouraging words; "choosing life" was a gift given to me, that I know.

      Yes, we absolutely must meet up when we get back. All the best till then.

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  5. Maile,
    By being "real" and honest and sharing the joys as well as the struggles you will never know how many lives will be changed. Your ability to share this is evidence of healing that has already taken place.

    May you feel the warmth of Healing continue to pour into you and soothe all the broken and raw places.

    Blessings
    Donna

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    1. I think you are so right about the healing that takes place when we share our stories. This journey has been so desperately painful and glorious at the same time. Thank you, Donna, for your thoughtful words; I am so grateful.

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  6. God-honest truth. This, dear girl, is why I love you. The fact that you share my passion for fabulous food is icing on the cake! Uh-oh, now I want cake.

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    1. Oh, Nancy, you make me laugh. But actually, cake does sound good about now...

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  7. Maile, thanks for this excellent post!
    Counselors are magical and they can't 'fix' our lives/circumstances/etc, but they sure can help us process life.
    I'm sharing this with my readers as my Sunday Saying today!

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    1. Janet, thank you for sharing this post; I really appreciate it. And what you said is so about counselors is so true: they can't fix us but they can certainly give us the tools to fix ourselves. And I definitely feel like my toolbox is far better stocked than it ever has been, thanks to a very wise woman. Thanks again!

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  8. You said it. I've also been there & good counselors were instrumental in my escape from my own dark cave situation. :)

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    1. Thanks, Natasha, and it always cheers my heart to hear of another person digging their own tunnels toward the light!

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  9. This is just beautiful - in every way I can think of. Vulnerable, honest, hopeful and filled with FABULOUS metaphors. Girl, you can write. Really well. I have talked to a trusted counselor weekly for a very long time - to help me through some pretty huge transitions in my life and also as a helpful sounding board for my work as a pastor. I encourage anyone who can manage it to find a skillful, trustworthy counselor when the waves overwhelm. And I'm so glad you found one! You are brave and you are real - both things rare in this world. Thank you so much for this.

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    1. Diana, I don't know that I deserve half of the praise you heaped upon me but I will gladly receive it. I so wish we would have gotten connected during our stay in LA, but alas, it was not to be. But as much as we are enjoying this time in CA, I don't think this will be our last visit to this side of the country--we absolutely love it here!! All that to say, I would have loved to picked your brain and heard your stories over a cup of coffee; you seem to have a wealth of wisdom and experience to offer. Thank you again for your kind words.

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  10. Such wisdom and honesty here, Maile. Seeing a counselor over a decade ago was one of the best decisions I ever made. I hope you will continue to experience freedom and light as this trip continues.

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    1. Thanks, Leigh. I echo your statement: it was most certainly one of the best decisions of my life, hands down.

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  11. Thanks for sharing this. And what a great idea, taking the trip as a fresh start, a turning point. :) Awesome.

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    1. Thanks for reading, Christie. Funny enough, I never saw this trip as a fresh start, but really, it has become that. I'm not sure that everyone has to take a 10,000 mile road trip to start again, but it is certainly working for me:)

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  12. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this story! You are inspirational. Love you.

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    1. Sending all my love your way, Laura, my dear dear friend.

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  13. Maile-I appreciate your transparency and adore your writing style. By committing to the adventure of healing you are embracing and honoring your self and subsequently, your Maker. To top it all off, you are inspiring and encouraging us (your readers) with these savory morsels of life and learning to chew on. Thank you for that.

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    1. As always, thank you, Maria, for "cheerleading" me along this journey. I have so appreciated our talks and emails exchanged over this very topic and your encouragement has definitely helped me find footing on this path toward the light. Thank you, my friend.

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